you know it's been a long time since the last post when your husband is getting after you to update it. this post is going to be a journal entry to catch things up. eventually i want to put my blog in a book so it's easier to read in case my children are ever interested in reading it someday. my next post will be full of pictures of where we're living and of the kids so the grandparents don't kill me. :)
I haven't written a lot about the details of the hard times these last 8 months, because I was just trying to keep myself together. There were a lot of days when the stress of aaron not having a job and then being gone, leaving me to get us moved, find renters, live out of suitcases with the kids for 6 weeks and then get us all to the east felt like it was too much to handle. Some days i just wanted to crawl back in bed instead of put on a happy, positive face for the kids... especially for Noah. He is so sensitive to the emotions around him. if he found me looking sad or stressed it would really upset him. Reagan seemed pretty good through it all. The only time she showed signs that things were really different was when we were going through our old neighborhood and reagan was pointing to different houses... "Emma's house, Greyson's house (even though he had long since moved), Kalob's house. Mom, where are we going?" i tell her to grandma and grandpa's house and she's quiet for a bit and then says, "where's Reagan's house?" it was so sad.
But even with the sadness and heartaches we went through during Aaron's unemployment, there were very special moments. I know that stressful times can take their tolls on relationships, but i can honestly say that aaron and i grew closer together then we have, in our 11 years of marriage, in these last 8 months. As hard as it was facing times when we didn't know how we'd make our mortgage the next month or how we'd buy food when the money ran out, we would comment on how impossible this would feel if we didn't have each other. when aaron was in DC right after he was let go and i was in utah it was harder to handle because we were so far apart.
i remember sitting on my couch at 6:00 am, after aaron called to tell me the news, and just crying. it was hard to think that my world felt like it was crumbling down around me and yet everything outside was so calm and peaceful, the sun coming up, a woman jogging down the street, a light going on in my neighbors house as they were getting up to start their day... all these normal things. i don't know why we expect the world to stop when our own lives seem to fall apart. i felt that way when my dad died. i remember thinking 'how can people just go to the store or go out to lunch and do such normal things when this man i loved so much is no longer with us.' But, as much as i wanted to sit there and cry and crawl into my bed and act as though the world would stop for just one day, i knew i had to pull it together because my children would be up soon and their world needed to be ok. They needed to have a happy mom to fix them breakfast and help them get dressed. Noah needed to have a smiling mom to get him ready for school and send him out with a kiss and promises of a fun day to come. So much of motherhood is about making sure your kids are happy when things are hard. It's never showing them the panic and fear you may feel inside about situations that are out of their control. I made myself a promise that day that i would do all i could to not let Noah see me crying. i knew i couldn't keep the facts of the situation from him, and the reality of how things would be different till Aaron found a job, but I could keep the stress and fear out of it as much as possible. i found it easiest to do my crying in the shower. i took a lot of showers.
but as hard and scary as things became, especially as we realized finding another job was not going to be fast or easy, we had some amazing experiences. We had friends from all over who would call us and check on us or send us a letter or a note telling us to hang in there. In December, almost every day we came home, someone had left something at our door. A plate of cookies with a note, a bag of groceries with fixings for a dinner and dt. pepsi for me :), an envelope with a money in it, always anonymous. someone called noah's drama class and paid his tuition fee for the last month we were there. another neighbor dropped by just to give me a hug. the outpouring of love was unbelievable and made a difficult situations better because we felt such love and support from others. Some experiences, which are too personal to share, could have only come about because of the trial we were facing. a perfect example to me of God's tender mercies for his children.
People say that every trial has a reason. That great things can come from hard times. While I don't know if that is always true - i can, without a doubt, say that great things did come from the hard times we faced. there's nothing more humbling then to experience love and compassion from those around you. To feel your Heavenly Father's love through neighbors and friends who come out of the wood work to show they care. I don't know if I'll ever know the exact reason why Aaron lost his job, but i know that i will be forever grateful for the experience and the things i have learned. Aaron was a rock through the whole ordeal, never once pulling away from his family and giving up. everyday he did something - whether it was applying for jobs, following up on applications he'd sent in, looking for small jobs he could do to make ends meet while he interviewed. he is my strength and my best friend and i love him. oh, how i love him.
As for Noah and Reagan...i truly could not have asked for better children. they definitely have their moments, but the good times far out weigh the 'my-children-are-going-to-be-the-death-of-me' times. they make me laugh every day and i could not imagine my life without them.
so, life is moving forward once again. i still have moments of fear that aaron will call me and tell me he's lost his job and our world will come crashing down...but we've been there before and i know we can get through it. in the meantime, i'm trying to savor every happy moment. i wake up to the sounds of my 2-year old as she crawls into bed with me and my 8-year old making plans for the day and each night i get to crawl into bed with a husband that i love and i think to myself...life is good.
