a few pointers

The other night my friend and i, let's call her "Carrie", walked another friend home and ended up chatting a little longer then we'd planned. it happens - we're girls - it's not beyond the realm of possibilities that we may lose track of time when chatting outside. anyway - by the time we both had gotten home, our husbands were less then thrilled with how long we'd been gone. there was a little sulking, maybe even a bit of pouting, but knowing my husband as i do, i knew he'd cheer up if he got out of the house and had some guy time. i had him call "Carrie's" husband, because i knew he was in the same mood as mine, and they took off.

When Aaron got home i asked him how it went and his response got my attention. he said he'd had a great time and enjoyed their talk. he then said, "it was nice knowing i'm not the only guy out there that can't figure out his wife sometimes." it was hard to not laugh, but i held it together because i wanted to hear more. he went on to tell me that they had talked about their wives and how women in general seem to think husbands should be able to read their minds. that the wives expect them to know all this stuff and to know just what to say, when half the time they get it wrong and just end up in trouble anyway.

i found it hilarious to think of a couple of husbands sitting around talking about how nutty their wives are... but it did get me to thinking. Apparently, even though we women are an open book, men have a hard time understanding us. so i thought i would give a few pointers...


What to do if your wife seems upset and you ask her what's wrong and she responds with "nothing" or "i'm fine".

1- If she's crying when she says it, then be prepared for a long one. Get some tissues, also, if you have chocolate on hand - it wouldn't hurt to bring it along. Have her stop what she's doing and sit next to her and tell her you're there for her, you love her, and you want to help. Now - important tip - no matter what the problem is, you must stay focused, don't roll your eyes or use words like, "dramatic", "get over it", or "you're crying over that?" Instead say something like, "wow, honey, that's so sad. I can see why you're upset. Here, let me finish the dishes - you've had enough to deal with today." Also, it wouldn't hurt to offer her a movie night... suggesting you watch something like Pride and Prejudice together...the long version if necessary.

2- If she's angry when she says it, make sure you have a clear line to the closest exit and then before you say a word, go over everything you've done that day and make sure you did not screw up somehow. Were you really late getting home and forgot to call and give her a heads up? Did you forget your anniversary? Was it your mother-in-laws birthday and you forgot to call her? Did your wife clean the house and you didn't notice? Check out her hair - is it cut or colored and you didn't comment? If it is something you did, own up to it, take your lickin's and you'll all move on.

If it's not something you did, start out with something nice, but not patronizing - women can smell that coming a mile away. Casually comment on how great she looks in what she's wearing or how nice the house looks. Let her know you're there if she wants to talk about it, and then let her work it out. It may get ugly. But eventually she'll work through it and love you for your patience.

What to do when the wife says, "it will just take a minute" or "i won't be long" etc. etc.

Time is a relative thing in our world. Here are some basic guidelines:

*Walking a friend home: don't even bother looking at the clock, you never know how long it could be. Just be happy knowing she'll come home in a great mood because she had a nice 'break' away from the house. Don't ruin it by being grumpy because she took too long.

*She needs you to take the kids for a minute: 'a minute' is not your typical 60 seconds in this case - it's more like 10, 15, maybe 20 minutes. Just look at it as your chance to bond with the kids.

*She says she won't be long running errands: First of all - she's just left in a car, with her wallet with no kids. It's beyond her control if she's quick or not. What if she's on her way home and sees a great side walk sale somewhere and is able to buy that dress, the perfect shade of pink, for your baby girl. That's important stuff - she has to stop. Or if passing a Starbucks and a craving for strawberries and cream frappuccino hits her... would you deny her that moment of bliss? No, it's better for everyone involved if she stops and takes a minute to just relax. So, if she's running errands - take the kids to the park, pack a lunch and leave your watch at home.

*When is a minute really a minute? One example is if she says dinner will be ready in one minute - that's your 60 second notice... nothings worse then working hard on a meal, telling everyone to come and eat and by the time they get there it's cold because they took too long. so definitely - if it has to do with dinner - it's best to play it safe - be on time.


Now, Aaron has asked me to address a particular question he feels a man can never answer correctly. When the wife says, "honey, how do i look in this?" or "Does this make me look fat?"

First of all, lets go over some not-so-smart responses...

1- Above all else - do not hesitate when answering that question. Whatever you're going to say - just say it, if you pause or hesitate then no matter what comes out of your mouth will always be the wrong thing to say.

If it's a sincere compliment - she won't believe you because you hesitated and she'll think you're lying.
If it's the truth, albeit a mean truth, but the truth all the same - then you're in trouble for not lying.
If you do lie, you're in trouble because you hesitated before trying to lie and you should be a better liar so she can at least pretend you meant what you said.


2- This one is straight out of Aaron's play book. Do NOT, under any circumstance, tell your wife she looks fine, but after 2 or 3 more pounds she should probably retire the outfit. You can be sure, Aaron will never say something like that again. While i would rather hear the truth then a lie - at least figure out a more tactful way of telling me.


3- Another one out of Aaron's play book - do NOT say, "if you'd just start working out more and eating healthier, you'd look a lot better in your clothes." i see where he's going with that - as i've worked out and have lost some weight, i do feel better... but for the love, would it kill him to just say - 'darling, you look amazing and if it weren't for Noah, Reagan and my parents in the room - i'd show you just how amazing you look'.


4- Also, never, ever, ever use words like: "pouch", "try sucking in", "it's just one roll" or "oh, nelly".


Now that we know what responses you should avoid, lets look at ways you could handle the situation without ending up on the couch....

1- If she's been putting on a little weight and her outfit may be a little too snug, just look her in the eyes (remember no hesitating) and tell her how beautiful she looks, how you love that shade of (whatever) on her. Now follow up with how you think she should go shopping because she's been working so hard lately. This way, even though she knows you're lying through your teeth, it doesn't matter because you've just given her the green light for a day of shopping. Very smart move.

2- If she looks terrible and you're starting to sweat because there's no way you're going to be the one telling her she can't wear her favorite red sweater any more because she out grew it one too many brownies ago... the best thing to do is make sure you're close to an exit and slowly, so slowly, pull out your wallet. Give her the i-love-you-but-the-sweater-must-go look and silently slide your credit card across the counter. At this point it's safe for you to back out of the room. She'll take it from there.

So, hopefully this has been helpful. If you men have any questions, don't hesitate to ask. Women are so simple to understand, it's a shame there's any miscommunication at all.