Have you ever felt like just saying “I’m done”? I don’t want to cook, clean, wipe, wash, explain, be patient or smile when I don’t feel like smiling. I am not a jungle gym or a pillow to be pushed and pulled until you’re comfortable. I am neither Martha Stewart nor Mother Teresa. There are some days when I want to say, “if I hear the words ‘why’ or ‘but’ one more time, I will lose what is left of my sanity.
Have you ever felt like you were not made to be this naturally charming, patient wife and mother? I remember living in Virginia and going to a friends house to pick something up. It was just before 5:00 and I walked in to see her in an apron, dinner on the stove, the dining room table completely set, and the children playing happily. I looked suspiciously around for some kind of external influence that was helping her – a little somethin’, somethin’ of this or that… maybe even a little NyQuil on the table dished out to the little ones. But no, there was nothing. She was really just that good at being a mom. And then she had her 4th and I thought for sure this would do her in, but to my selfish disappointment she was, yet again, ready and able for the challenge. She hosted a 4th of July party 2 weeks after she got home from the hospital!
I say 'selfish disappointment', because while the greater part of me was in awe with admiration and wonder, the small - totally immature - side of me wished to see someone else feel as inadequate as I do. I often think that when my children grow up to be amazing people, it will have had nothing to do with me. Honestly – my daughter is 15 months old and she has no idea how to use any kind of silverware yet. I first have to trust her to keep the food on her tray before I put a would-be weapon in her hands. And instead of just glowing at the fact that my son is so bright and inquisitive about every single thing that comes into his head – I find myself wishing that for just 30 seconds he would close that precious little mouth and learn to enjoy silence as much as I do. Or, when my daughter will not stop screaming in her very dramatic, poor-me, life-is-so-hard-when-someone-isn’t-stacking-blocks-for-me temper tantrum - I will do anything to stop the crying. If that means she gets an otter pop at 10:00 am – so be it.
The ‘good’ mom would sit with her son and answer any question his little mind can come up with and then go through the encyclopedia’s, A-Z, just in case he missed a topic. The ‘good’ mom would sit with her daughter and forget about her book or her project on the computer and would stack blocks for as long as was needed and then willingly move on to any other toy that captured the girl’s attention. And most of all, the ‘good’ mom and wife would fix healthy meals for when the husband gets home instead of ordering pizza, looking for anything frozen from Costco or pulling out the cereal and milk.
It’s funny how as a little girl I imagined being this amazing wife and a mother with patience to spare, and yet so often I’m finding myself just surviving one day at a time. Maybe the generation before me was really made up of these perfect women who excelled in their role as wife and mother. Or maybe, just maybe – as the selfish part of me wants to think – they struggled too, just never out loud. Who knows.
I guess today’s post is for those of you who find times where you just want a break. Some time away. A moment of peace and quiet - maybe even a chance to eat a meal while it’s still hot.
For those of you like me – I wish you luck in finding that much needed day off.
For those of you who have it all put together - may all your children get measles at once.
6 comments:
does Reagan want to come play with Chloe today? I am home all day doing laundry so drop her off go home and read a book and eat some bon bons (oh please just give in and eat them!) Chloe and Reagan can maybe figure out together how to stack the blocks and LEAVE US ALONE!
My idea of being a 'good' mom has changed drastically over the years!! I used to think I would never ignore my children, now I regularly tune them out, and don't even feel guilty about it (how much do I really need to know about Pokemon, anyway?!). A little nod or 'mm-hm' every once in a while works great.
And I think a huge part of being a good mom is taking some time for yourself every once in awhile, even if it's just to read a book (or blogs) for an hour (or 2, or 3) instead of doing laundry or fixing a great meal. I try not to let my family suffer too much, but they can handle a frozen meal every now & then.
I have had that exact same day! And I think that its far more normal than the other version. The good news is, it can only get better, right?
Ok...so I've been loitering at your blog for a long time now and I hope that's ok. I've decided to "come out" now because you hit a spot that is just as sensitive to me. The guilt I feel for not teaching my little ones 123's and abc's to perfection while I happily cook full healthy meals keeps me awake at night.
I've since accepted that everything is going to be ok, regardless of the bodies of mass growing from the walls in the hall filled w laundry and toys.
You are a great mom from the "stalking" I've already done. Just take a day for yourself. You'll feel tons better!!! I did.
An idea about your never ending questioneer...tell him he gots 20 (if that's too much...5) questions a day. He'll end up thinking about the question before he asks. Results...silence!
Good luck! (Slinking back to my shadow now)
I love reading your blogs, it always makes me feel better about myself. I happy to know everyone doesn't have it figured out yet. I think my break comes when I work on the weekends, as much I hate being away from home, I get to talk to other adults, that part is awesome. Take a girls night and after hearing about everyone else's problems, you'll want to go home.
Monday this week was awful for me too. It was easily the worst day we've had all year. We have 1-4 church now and the lack of naps on Sunday completely throws off both Sunday and Monday for everyone at our house. Seriously, 1:00 church...there has to be a better way.
If it makes you feel better at all, I say Reagan and Noah have to practice their independence. That's the angle I take when I am tired of attempting to be supermom. Supermom doesn't exist. I'm convinced that those moms who seem to have it all together, don't really. We all have our trials. That's what I tell myself anyway!
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